Poetic licence

PLAYWRIGHT Frances Poet has an intriguing method of increasing her fanbase. The Glasgow-based author is offering a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen to anybody who comes to her Citizens Theatre production, Fibres. They must also listen to her discussing the play on Woman’s Hour, and tune in to another play she’s written for Radio 4. That’s quite a few hurdles, and we’re not sure Frances is entirely serious about the award. Though we commend her for her marketing chutzpah. (Note to self: Should we offer a Bendy Bully or top-of-the-range speedboat to readers who make it to the end of the Diary each day?)

Veggie vision

WITH their fresh ideas, youngsters can be inspiring. Though sometimes those ideas are as fresh as Rab C Nesbitt’s favourite string vest, as Babs McMahon discovered. While in a coffee shop she overheard a young girl musing dreamily to a friend: “Imagine a hot veg smoothie.” Babs was left wondering whether she should break it to the innovative visionary that soup already exists.

Fishing for compliments

COMEDIAN Limmy has been defending his dislike of the Breaking Bad spin-off movie, though his reasoning is a tad fishy. “A few people have said I’m wrong to not like El Camino and that it’s good,” says Limmy. Then, like a latter-day Wittgenstein, he homes in on the logical weakness in his detractors’ theory. “I don’t like tuna,” he reveals. “Not cos tuna isn’t good and people who like tuna are wrong. I just don’t like it.”

The Diary has detected a flaw in this argument. Tuna, with a dollop of mayonnaise and stuffed inside a crusty baguette, is delish. Not even Limmy could resist something so scrummy.

Unsound equipment

OUR critical tale about an NHS hearing aid has inspired reader Russell Smith to point out that it’s not only the National Health Service that occasionally comes unstuck. He recalls a yarn about a man who enthused about his new privately-funded hearing aid. He was then asked how much it cost. To which he replied: “About half-past two”.

Chip prediction rule

SIMPLE Minds star Jim Kerr has revealed his father, Jimmy, who passed away earlier this month, assured his son he’d be famous after attending one of the band’s early concerts. The singer was curious to know how dad could be sure. Jimmy explained: “This guy had just bought his chips and you started a song. He threw his chips up in the air and ran down the front. That’s a talent to get people to do that.”

CV or not CV?

WE end with an educational gag from reader Stuart McKee. Interviewer: “How do you explain the three-year gap in your CV?” Interviewee: “Oh, that was when I went to Yale.” Interviewer: “Very commendable. You’re hired.” Interviewee: “Hurray! I got a yob!”

Read more: Glasgow's Royal Concert Hall project, 1987 and 1988